The best one liner you ever heard

Here are a few one liners. Some of them so hillarious that you will die laughing. Please enter at your own risk.

- A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

- A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

- A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

- A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

- A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

- A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

- A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

- A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

- A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

- A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

- Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

- As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

- Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

- Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

- Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

- Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

- I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

- I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

- I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

- If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

- If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

- In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

- It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

- It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

- Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

- Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

- Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

- Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

- Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

- Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

- Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

- Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

- Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

- Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

- Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

- Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

- My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

- My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

- My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

- My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

- Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

- The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

- The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

- They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.