Tips for traveling in Mumbai Local Trains

It came to me as an forwarded email. I found it really funny. Hope you like it.

• Never iron your shirt if you intend to travel
  during peak hours. The packed train shall do the needful.

• Thou shall buy a first class pass only if your company is paying for it.
  Else thou should be really rich with an annual income of atleast Rs.10 lakhs
  travelling by first class. Otherwise is a public crime.
  
• Before getting off at a station always make sure to ask the person ahead of
  you, "Uterega Kya?" This way you shall not feel left out.
  
• If you happen to be one of those few gazillion, who travel by train during
  peak hours, on a regular basis, do not spend money on gymnasiums or health
  instructors. You will realize how effortlessly and in an innovative manner, one can practice yoga while travelling.
  
• If you have already started practising this innovative yoga, see to it that
  it remains within the confinements of the train compartment. Try these steps anywhere else and you'll soon get yourself locked up in a mental asylum.
  
• Always push the person standing ahead of you. It is amusing when the person
  ahead of you does not use a single word against you.
  
• In case you happen to sweat or if your nose starts twitching, rub the desired
  body part on the clothes of the person standing closest to you. Your hands are gonna be of no use to you at that time.
  
• Make sure you are the tallest among those standing around you. It affects you
  less when others have to bear the smell of your armpits.
  
• Avoid travelling in slippers or sandals. It is an accepted fact that someone
  always climbs on to your foot.

This happens only in India!

Here are some very funny Images. Totally dipdicts our desi mentalty. No matter where we are, we are alwasy "Desi". Jor se kaho hum desi hai. जोर से कहो हम देशी हैं !

Office Pictures

While browsing on internet i found some funny images which deals with office. Some of them are really funny. See for yourself.











Hope you liked :D

The best one liner you ever heard

Here are a few one liners. Some of them so hillarious that you will die laughing. Please enter at your own risk.

- A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

- A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

- A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

- A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

- A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

- A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

- A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

- A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

- A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

- A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

- Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

- As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

- Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

- Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

- Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

- Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

- I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

- I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

- I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

- If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

- If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

- In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

- It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

- It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

- Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

- Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

- Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

- Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

- Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

- Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

- Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

- Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

- Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

- Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

- Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

- Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

- My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

- My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

- My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

- My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

- Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

- The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

- The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

- They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

She Devil: A Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited afew half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to setoff gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls, finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that shemissed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company packs everything to take to their new home........... including the curtain rods!!!

A Bus Driver and an IT Guy

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet two, built like a brick shit-house, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 'Big John doesn't pay!' and sat down at the back.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, 'Big John doesn't pay!,' the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, 'And why not?'

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, 'Big John has a bus pass.'"

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Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guesswhat, mate," says the first IT guy,
"Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a coupleof drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special"
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to mynew laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop? What configuration?"
"It's a 1 GB RAM and mobile internet connectivity card and............"